How can I get her to love me back?

Dear Mahogany,

I’ve been dating this girl for a few months. She is perfect in all the ways that matters to me. I enjoy her company because she is fun and sweet and she is really very smart. For me, I would like this to be a long term relationship because I want to be the only man in her life.

The only problem is, she is not very open about her feelings or very emotional at all. She is always distant and very aloof even though she is warm and sweet to me sometimes. I can’t tell where I stand with her or whether or not she takes me seriously.

I know she has been in a bad relationship just before us, and I’m wondering if she is still caught up in the past, or she’s just emotionally unavailable? Please how can I get her to love me back?

– Steve

Dear Steve,

It’s always refreshing to see a person who is willing to work on a relationship. In this age of “speed” dating, most people just drop difficult relationships and move on to the next.

Yes, your girlfriend sounds like she is emotionally unavailable but this does not mean the end of your relationship. Sometimes, a person is emotionally unavailable for a number of reasons, the most common of which is a bad experience in a previous relationship. For people like this, it is expected that they come with a lot of baggage like

  • Trust issues
  • Abandonment issues
  • Self esteem issues
  • Insecurity

Your girlfriend may have one or all of these issues depending on what she has been through. The tough news is, you can’t deal with people like this the same way you will deal with others who haven’t been hurt like this. Just as everyone has different temperament, we all need a different touch too.

Talk about it to her

Your first tactic would be communication. TALK! Nothing beats talking. To get her to tell you about her issues, you have to talk about yours. Tell her about your relationships before her, about your issues. Tell her why you’re telling her (because you want to know hers too). Granted, trust issues can hinder communication, but the best way to earn someone’s trust is by giving them yours.

Stay Consistent

If you are working to earn her trust, you have to stay consistent in your actions and words. It is important to get her to believe in you and your intentions. Be open and honest with her and eliminate any signs of secrecy or manipulation in your relationship. If she feels like you are deceiving her in anyway , she will shut down and shut you out.

Most importantly, go slow and exercise lots of patience. Rome was not built in a day.

Best wishes and Love,


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