what no one tells you about your inability to orgasm

I was having a conversation with an acquaintance some days ago and  the topic of sex and orgasms came up. While we all talked about sex in between drinks, she opened up to me that she had orgasmed just once this year. With just 5 months remaining in the year and for a sexually active woman , surprising but true.

Yes, she loved the feeling of an orgasm. That soul snatching experience but she had no idea how it happened and the more I asked her questions, I realized that she had her knowledge of the female body was vague and she didn’t know what had made it occur the first time.

Now, this acquaintance, let’s call her Barbara is not the only one with an orgasm dysfunction.

What is an Orgasm Dysfunction by the way?

An orgasm dysfunction is a condition that makes reaching orgasm difficult. This difficulty can occur even when they are sexually aroused and there is sufficient sexual stimulation. This condition is known as female orgasmic dysfunction. It can also occur in men but it’s less common.

Learning to orgasm is basically a rite of passage and can occur with little sexual stimulation in some women and in others much more stimulation is needed. Many women have issues reaching orgasm with a partner even after ample sexual stimulation. Studies according to health line suggest anorgasmia or female orgasmic disorder affect up to 11 to 41 percent of women. Cleveland Clinic reports that only a mere 10% of women can easily achieve an orgasm. The other 90% have to deal with outside factors that inhibit their ability to orgasm.

How do I know I have an orgasm dysfunction?

The major symptom of anorgasmia is the inability to achieve sexual climax even when aroused. It can also be taking longer than normal to reach orgasms and having unsatisfying orgasms when you do. Women who experience this may find it difficult reaching orgasm during sexual intercourse with a partner or during solo play.

Orgasmic dysfunction can manifest in four different ways with the most common being the secondary dysfunction

  • Primary anorgasmia – where you have never had an orgasm
  • Secondary anorgasmia – difficulty reaching orgasm even if you have had one before
  • Situational anorgasmia- here orgasm can only occur during certain specific situations like maybe during oral sex alone or when masturbation.
  • General anorgasmia- here a woman finds it difficult to achieve orgasm under any circumstance even when sexually aroused.

Why do women find it difficult to orgasm?

Orgasming for women is not as pretty straightforward as men. Because the anatomy of every female is different, determining the general and underlying cause of anorgasmia is difficult to place. Some women may have difficulty experiencing orgasm due to emotional, physical and psychological factors

If you are one of the women who find it difficult to orgasm, sit back and check out 10 unbelievable reasons you find it almost impossible to orgasm.

1. You are using the wrong approach

Just because most of the pornography videos have women squirting and cumming in less than 5 minutes during sex with major focus on penetration doesn’t mean it will work for you. Like we mentioned the human body is wired differently and what may make Sandra squirt, may not make your legs shake.

Stop relying on false sexual pleasure beliefs. Orgasms are linked to women’s nervous systems and with each of us wired differently you need to find out what works for you. Do you prefer much or less stimulation? Keep trying, stop focusing on other’s experience, and find yours.

2. Your pelvic muscles are not being put to work

So many times women are told to just relax during sex and then the orgasm may likely come. Well, turns out that may be the wrong approach.

“Muscle tension is often necessary for an orgasm,” Dr Weston writes for WebMD. Going further to say “In my experience, the majority of women learn to have their first orgasm by incorporating a fair amount of leg, abdominal and buttock tension” Weston recommends contracting your lower pelvic muscles- the same ones you engage for kegel exercises.

If you have been ignoring your kegel exercises, this is the right time to jump on them. They have been proven to intensify orgasms, increase arousal and lead to a more pleasurable experience. Read up how to perform kegel exercises the right way.

3. You are alien to self-pleasure

Every expert was once a beginner. How often you pleasure yourself can affect your chances of reaching orgasm with yourself and a partner. A woman’s ability to reach orgasm is dependent on the knowledge of pleasure you have of your body. A woman’s ability to fantasize and use her imagination during solo sex can help her know and learn exactly how and where she likes to be touched.

So, hop into bed with yourself with today. Knowing how to pleasure yourself can help you know what ticks your box during sex and lead to more orgasms.

4. You keep shying away from sex toys

When it comes to sex toys, most women do not feel comfortable using it but this amazing work of art can greatly enhance your sexual experience and help you experience orgasm faster. Whether for solo polo play or with a partner, sex toys are the right tools to help cure your anorgasmia blues.

Now, just because you need toys to orgasm doesn’t make your sexual experience less valid. Studies have shown that 75% of women find it almost impossible to orgasm through penetrative sex alone and need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Some women need the intense stimulation that only vibrators can provide. Stop allowing others sexual experiences validate your pleasure. Thinking of where to begin, the bullet vibrator is always a great choice, compact with intense vibrations and can be used during couple and solo play. 

5. There isn’t enough lubrication

Lubes can improve your sex life overnight the first time you use it. Some women don’t find it easy staying naturally lubricated during sex play and this can decrease sensations, lead to painful sex and make sex uncomfortable. When this happens you can be sure that pleasure is no longer possible.

If you have had trouble orgasming in the past, add lubes to your mix. Lubes can make the genitals more sensitive so it helps women have more orgasm, increase sex drive and desire during solo and partnered play.


6. Your medications are in the way.

How often do you check out the side effects of the medication you consume. According to Drugs that cause a spike in prolactin levels – a protein that reduces libido could be the culprit behind your inability to climax. Dr. van Kirk says.

Certain blood pressure medications, birth control pills and anti-depressants are the main culprits. Drugs like anithistamines is also a culprit because they can reduce your ability to self lubricate. If this happens you can add more lubes to the lube or stock up on natural aphrodisiacs that increase blood flow.

7. Your pelvic muscles are in pain

Certain activities like sitting on your desk chair all day is bad for your pelvic muscles. This can shorten them and lead to pelvic pain that makes it more difficult to orgasm. To tackle this incorporate more movement into your day. Take the stairs rather than the elevator. Walk rather than use a car for shorter distances. Find time to do some stretches during the day.

8. Your oxytocin level is low

Ever wondered the hormones responsible for orgasm? The oxytocin or feel good hormones are in sync with orgasms. If your body isn’t producing enough of it or engaging in activities that make you feel good then orgasming may be more difficult. Stress and anxiety is a major barrier but engaging in intimacy with your partner can boost this hormone. Spend time kissing, holding hands, giving each other massages, playing games and cuddling can boost production of this hormone.

9. Your stress and anxiety levels are high

Stress can make it difficult to relax during sex coupled with anxiety can cause intrusive thoughts that disrupt your state of mind during sex. The common cause of anxiety is discomfort or self-consciousness about appearance. Thoughts like this can increase stress and anxiety during sex. If you feel too stressed take time to relax and if anxiety is ruining your sex life talk to a therapist.


10. You are not interested in sex with your partner

Sex is not a chore and orgasms are not achieved by waving an invisible magic wand. If all you do is stay at a spot until the sex is over then an orgasm may be the last thing that can happen. Sex is an adventure, if you don’t find creative ways to get pleasure you will stuck in your old ways and routine will never bring a different result. So try something new to get out of that rut.

About Author /

Lara is an erotic writer and modern day sex and relationship educator. Sensual, multifaceted and a reincarnated soul is how she describes herself. When she is not relieving her imaginations or taking vain selfies, she is on Instagram at Larasensations teaching how to own your pleasure.

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